#VixDoesDating: Five Things to Keep in Mind as You Navigate the Online Dating World
Men. Can’t live with ‘em, don’t wanna live without ‘em.
I find men fascinating. They’re sexy as hell, bold AF and just so… MANLY. They take up space unapologetically and that’s something to admire.
I’ve spent my career surrounded by men, most of whom were homosexual. Love is love is love I say, but why is love with a stable, ambitious, 30-something straight guy so damn hard to find?
I used to think I was Carrie Bradshaw. And maybe, for a time in my early 20s, I was. But after 26? My inner Samantha Jones clawed her way to the surface and DAMN am I happy she did. I have boldly declared, if I’m going to earn like a man, I might as well f*ck like one (sorry, fam). Isn’t that what we’ve been fighting for? Equality, liberation and the ability to make the best choices for our lives at all the stages and phases?
Well, it seems to have backfired.
I’ve been on online dating sites since 2008. My college boyfriend and I studied abroad together and it was lovely, until it wasn’t. My world was quickly expanding and his was shrinking… I needed a man to stand by me, not in front of me. We parted ways and then, as college kids do, we found ourselves in a casual non-exclusive, exclusive situation. During that time, I dabbled in the online dating world and found it exhausting. You see, back then, it wasn’t as popular, especially when there was a camp of coeds outside my door.
Fast forward to 2010 when I moved to Long Island and started trying to meet new friends AND new manfriends (boyfriend is so meh; Carrie did get that right).
And I found them but man, oh, man, were they messes.
I’ve always been mature so I always dated up age-wise. And that’s a good thing, for me. For you, it might not be. This post is going to give you three guidelines to help YOU figure out which boundaries work for your relationship goals and, hopefully, help you realize you’re not crazy, you’re not “too much” and you’re not alone. We’re all just trying on different shoes until we find the one pair we can’t live without… and hopefully, we’re having a blast along the way.
Wednesday is When Weekend Plans are Made
Someone will read this rule and be like “god, she’s such a bitch.” But guess what? I value my time. As an entrepreneur, I value my time more than ever. Nothing like earning your own money and being responsible for your own productivity to show you just how precious the hours in the day are. I am not looking for a man to be my whole life, I’m looking for a man to share my life. If you want to make weekend plans, you best text by Wednesday and make it happen.
Pen Pals Need Not Apply
If you’ve been on online dating sites, you’ve definitely met a “pen pal” -- these are men (and maybe women; I haven’t asked my straight guy friends and this doesn’t seem as common among my gay guy friends) who want to text, talk and sext all damn day. Men get off on videos and photos but I need real, live human flesh. Now, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy a little sext on a Tuesday but all the time? And that being the only way we communicate? Nope. I generally give them three-five days to set a date -- even if that date is another week in advance (we’re all busy), but if they haven’t set a date three-five days into talking? They’re probably just wasting time or maybe they already have a relationship and are trying to fill up the queue (because yes, this does happen). Either way, if you want to get to know me, let’s set up time to get together in person or move on. Pen Pals need not apply.
Busy is Bullshit
We. Are. All. Busy. My business is JUST as important as your job and your life. Busy is not an excuse for flaking. Life is here and we’re all dealing with a dozen priorities, to-dos and requirements. We all have family, friends and colleagues to contend with. If you’re mad that I am unavailable for a week, that’s bullshit. If you’re mad that I ask you to respect my time as I respect yours, that’s bullshit. Be clear about what is going on, give some context -- as much as you feel comfortable sharing; I often don’t like to share too much -- and clearly communicate how you’d like to move forward… or not, just be up front.
Show Your Face
I love these dudes who only show chest photos or photos without a face. Online dating IS superficial but isn’t all dating based on looks initially? If I don’t feel the za-za-zhu in the tips of my toes when I look at you, why would I want to date you? And it may not be because you look like Tom Hardy (although if you’re out there, reading this and you do look like Tom Hardy, please refer to my #eatsByVix series and slide right into my DMs… seriously), it may be because I think your brain is brilliant and your sense of humor is exactly my cup of tea. But it’s in LOOKING at you that I get that feeling. The whole “I don’t want my coworkers to know I’m on here” is soooo early 2000s; everyone is on an online dating site, people do all kinds of shit in bed and life is meant to be lived. Just own your profile, your intentions and yourself.
Don’t Be a Dick
This is a general rule for both men and women -- as hard as it is to say you’re not into someone (rejection sucks for everyone), be upfront about it. In my early 20s, I didn’t know how to deal with this and definitely hurt some people. I felt bad and still feel bad but I think it’s because the online dating culture is more about just moving on than providing honest feedback. Sometimes you don’t click and that’s ok! Also, if you’re NOT looking for a relationship, don’t say you are. It goes back to clear communication… don’t mislead anyone in your photos, words or intentions, that’s just bad karma and we know what a bitch Karma can be.
So there you have it, #VixDoesDating part 2. I’ll be sharing more of these tips. And if you want me to review your online dating profile and coach you through the process? Contact me. That’s something I’ve been doing for years but haven’t really talked about. Let’s find a way to make the online dating world a little more honest and kind, shall we?
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